One, of course, might legitimately wonder why I take Timothy Simmons at his word when he tells me that he is not Dust Function. One reason is that I frequently try to fool him into admitting that he is, in fact, Dust Function, and he never falls for it. On three separate occasions, I called his house late at night and asked if I could speak with Mr. Function. Neither his wife nor his children had any idea as to what I was talking about, and even when Timothy Simmons picked up the phone, he too, seemed confused and mildly unnerved by the question, threatening to the call the cops on me if I bothered him again with my "Dust Bunny" nonsense.
"Dust Function," I said, but he had already hung up.
My ingenious attempts at tricking Timothy Simmons into admitting that he's Dust Function aside, I also know that I can trust him not to lie to me because I have known him for many, many years. We first met in high school but became good friends in college when we worked on the radio station together and started our first label, which just about broke even, thus giving us all the incentive we needed to give up on our dreams and get out while the getting was good. Had we remained in the red, we'd probably still be operating our little cassette-based label out of a college dorm room and eliciting all kinds of weird looks from the eighteen-to-twenty-year-olds we'd still be sharing space with, so it all worked out for the best.
Back in college, I was something of a featherweight, and one of my roommates (filmmaker Miceal Og O'Donnell) used to pick me up and throw me at my other roommate (who shall go unnamed but probably isn't Dust Function) whenever the other roommate started to annoy him. Though I was not especially aerodynamic, I was light enough to throw at other people yet heavy enough to do some damage that I made a reasonably good projectile, which Timothy Simmons found endlessly amusing.
What Timothy Simmons found even more amusing than watching future-filmmaker Miceal Og O'Donnell throw me at our here-unnamed roommate was watching our here-unnamed roommate fly into a rage as a result. To this day, Timothy Simmons loves to quote said roommate: "Miceal, you sonofabitch! I've told you a million times! Stop throwing Marc at me!"
If that's not proof that Timothy Simmons is not Dust Function, then I don't know what is.